God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
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[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Lol.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
IT’S-A ME,
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”