[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
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Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
i was baptized in a car wash
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I wish I were this cool 😂
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet