I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.