Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit