Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Try and stop me.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.