How do I rate our solar system?
One star
You Might Also Like
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
me doing my best
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.