ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
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Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”