finally found a reasonable question
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.