Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.