My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.