Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
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Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
This headline is a thing of beauty
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
#Caturday
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check