The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
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“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
What?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times