12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
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Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
every college guy’s fridge
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?