*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
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Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
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7.
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9.
10. He is a cat.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It鈥檚 really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Moses: 馃幎gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free馃幎
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We鈥檙e literally being chased
Clerk: we鈥檙e not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we鈥檒l be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i鈥檒l settle for finding the vodka aisle
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn鈥檛 answer.