Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
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My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Okay, I’m still confused…
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
checking out some reviews of my local library
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.