Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
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Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
So inspired right now.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
If you are reading this then you are reading this