I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
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Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My plans: 2020:
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.