[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, âNo.â
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living onâŚ
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
âŚburrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day FiancĂŠ?
Me: yeah
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because youâre never gonna hit this
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Everyoneâs a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
As far as Iâm concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
11: Mom if youâre sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me:
Remember when we didnât have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking wonât load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” â University of Chicago
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. đ
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, âI canât do it if youâre watching.â #MyFamilyIsWeird
“No, it’s not me” đđ
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Whoâs talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didnât come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Havenât lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I havenât played in that long or what have you.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. Iâd forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Ha
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang