Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
that lip filler tho
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this