Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.