My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
i smell a pulitzer
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Stop being racist to kettles.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon