*brings nachos to your exorcism*
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
When I grow up, I want to be 16
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.