Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
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Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….