a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
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[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
oh no, steve’s working tonight
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*