[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
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Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
That’s easy for you to say
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping