[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.