Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK