When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
You Might Also Like
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
this is so top tier i cant
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this