Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
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Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood