*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
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My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Buying a well is money well spent.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.