You wish you had this many chins.
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Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂