I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
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*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Pikachu found the lost joint
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.