Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
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Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Put a ring on it
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?