[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.