House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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a public service announcement
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
can’t believe I got front row seats