[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”