I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
You deplete me
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
blocked.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face