People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????