Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.