I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
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*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL