*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective