I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
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I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!