🙂🐾
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[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me