My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.