Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
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Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever