Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.