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Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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