I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
You Might Also Like
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.