Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
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I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
🤣😈🤣
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”