When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”